


bereft

by gabriphales



Series: gomens drabble hell [22]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Internal Monologue, Introspection, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23860477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabriphales/pseuds/gabriphales
Summary: brief drabble on gabriel's feelings during the iconic 1800's deleted bookshop scene
Relationships: Aziraphale/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Series: gomens drabble hell [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664713
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	bereft

**Author's Note:**

> fat f for sad boy gabriel in the chat

he's never met anyone who hasn't liked him before.

he has to wonder - is it an issue between the two of them, some misunderstanding they both share? or is it aziraphale's own personal failing, some shortcoming on his end of the deal. gabriel doesn't understand it. everyone likes him. from the smallest of stars he'd cradled in his hands, fresh-born and glowing in a world before eden, to the grandest of angels who've stood by his side - everyone _likes_ him. everyone except for aziraphale.

is that his fault? 

it can't be his fault. nothing's ever his fault.

"we're bringing you home," he tells aziraphale, but the words feel strange and hollow on his tongue. like cracking into fruit that's gone desolate and rotten, searching for nectar that isn't there. aziraphale's expression is the perfect mirror image of gabriel's perceptions - he's clearly uncomfortable, stifled enough just to be barely unreadable beyond that. gabriel knows what's lingering underneath his wire-thin, cracking hospitality. he doesn't want gabriel to be here. doesn't want sandalphon either.

he knows heaven isn't anything close to a home for aziraphale. but that's too much to acknowledge with his eyes open, mouth shut. he has to keep talking to ignore it. has to keep trying to convince him. if he tries hard enough, he just might be able to heal whatever's gone so terribly wrong with aziraphale. he'll stitch him back together, and strangle the sickness polluting his insides out of him with loose thread.

because aziraphale has to like him. it isn't optional. gabriel isn't demanding, gabriel isn't imposing, gabriel isn't an _intimidating_ person. no, that's just how aziraphale sees him. and aziraphale's vision is sour, sour enough to burn his tongue, leave sore spots behind on tender skin.

"i don't want a medal," aziraphale's tone is like shrapnel. gabriel's fingers tremble with the cloth tucked in his hands. he's never trembled before. it isn't remotely pleasant. he doesn't like feeling like he's out of control, especially over something as easily powered as a body. he's so uncomfortable, hot and itchy just underneath the thick of his flesh. there's sweat building at the nape of his neck. he doesn't like that either.

"that's very noble of you." gabriel tries a hand at flattery. it falls flat before he's even got the first syllable past his near-clenched teeth.

aziraphale's peering over his shoulder, he can see it, and his eyes widen with something of a soft, unpredictable fear. "but only i can properly thwart the wiles of the demon crowley."

and gabriel starts his next sentence with _'i do not doubt,'_ but there's actually very little he isn't doubting right now. aziraphale's too quiet, too impassively obedient to everything gabriel says. it's obvious he's only partially listening, obvious gabriel isn't center stage to the internal debate he's consumed himself with. and gabriel wants the full propensity of his attention. gabriel's always _been_ the golden boy of heaven. loved by the almighty, the seraphim, cherubim, dominions and thrones - how can aziraphale not like him? how can aziraphale be so scared?

what has gabriel ever done to hurt him anyways?

"you'll be an asset back at head office, i can tell you that." he says, unsure if he really means it. of course, he wants aziraphale back home. there's something aziraphale has that so few of the other angels share in common; he's _optimistic._ he looks for the good in everyone, everything, even the wretched and unworthy. he's a gentle, soft soul, and gabriel's so used to being rough, it's a nice break from his own company.

but he doesn't know if he can handle aziraphale upstairs full-time again. he doesn't know if he can bear the fidgeting, and the nervous, pleading glances. asking for something gabriel doesn't understand, much less know how to give. he always looks at him like _that_ during meetings, as if trying to relay something just between himself and gabriel. and gabriel - gabriel doesn't know what to _do._ gabriel doesn't know how to be enough for him.

gabriel doesn't even know he's the one the one who should be trying for aziraphale.

and when he learns of the demons' plotting, when he overhears their joy at the possible respite of aziraphale's presence here on earth, gabriel's unsure of himself. unsure of what he really wants, unsure of what's best for heaven, what's worst for hell. 

but aziraphale wants to stay, and he's got a proper excuse now, so gabriel lets him. gabriel decides it must be better this way, for some reason ordained by powers higher than himself. the _only_ power higher than himself. he trusts the almighty, trusts her intuition, and trusts her to keep him happy in the long run.

that's what a good angel does, after all.


End file.
